Breathe In, Breathe Out
by StoryDiva
Summary: Rebecca tries to figure out who she is and come to terms with her relationship with Justin. Written for yuletide.


**Breathe In, Breathe Out**

When Rebecca is honest with herself, she can admit that everything is messed up and no one, including herself, really knows who she is anymore. She misses the person she used to be. She scoffed when her mother called her a "timid flower" but the more she thinks about it, the more she has to admit that the Rebecca Harper of old seems to have faded away.

She knows her relationship with the Walkers is a little bizarre. Part of it is simply the nature of the beast fashioned by her mother and the father-she-never-really-knew and part of it is a creation of her own making. She realizes that most little sisters don't allow their whole lives to revolve around their big brothers and she's pretty sure they don't say petty things or attempt to ruin relationships along the way either.

It's not normal. She knows this, but she can't figure out how to change it. She doesn't want to become that girl who is defined by one thing in her past, or in this case, her parents' sordid past. She wants to be the woman who people think she can be, someone strong and independent like Kitty and Sarah. She wants to create relationships with her family, to make it something good and _hers_, but still maintain a sense of who she's always been.

It's just not working out quite how she hoped. If anything, Kitty's wedding has served as a huge neon, flashing sign of that. Things can't keep going the way they are...she can't keep spinning in circles, making her whole life about them and the hopes of being included.

As much as she hates it, her mother is right. She's put her own life on pause for way too long. And for what? To make people love her? To fit into a family that's strange and dysfunctional because it's everything she grew up daydreaming about?

"Are you even listening to me?" Justin asks, waving his hand in front of her face.

She smiles weakly and says, "Sort of. Just thinking."

"Anything interesting?"

She shrugs. She knows Justin cares about her. He's made that clear since day one, the first Walker to accept her. She knows this, but sometimes it doesn't feel like things between them make any damn sense. And she's afraid to open up to him about this stuff because it's...

"Just my crazy brain on overdrive."

Justin chuckles. "One of the many Walker defects, along with a penchant for gossip and an inability to mind your own business."

Rebecca nods. She says, "So, how are you doing?"

"Good."

"Really?"

"Hanging in there, trying to work the program. I think it might be time for me to move out of my mother's house," Justin says, dunking his donut into his coffee and swallowing a huge mouthful.

Rebecca takes a sip of her drink, noticing the cute guy in the corner checking her out from behind his laptop. She pushes her hair behind her ear and diverts her eyes away from the guy, and focuses her attention back on her brother. She smiles encouragingly at Justin, trying to convey how much she wants him to be okay, and says, "Really? Are you sure you're ready?"

"I can't hide at my mom's forever," Justin replies. He wipes his hand across his face and adds, "Which leads me to why I asked you to meet me."

"And here I thought it was because you loved my company," Rebecca says, meeting his bemused gaze. He rolls his eyes and studies her, examining her like she holds the answer to a problem he'll never figure out without her. She hates how Justin can make her feel like the most important person in the world and the most insignificant in the course of one conversation. And she hates that it has very little to do with him at all.

She leans back in her chair, forcing herself to make eye contact with that cute boy, convincing herself that somehow he might be the answer to things. It's been so long since she had a date or spent large portions of time with someone not her brother.

Justin follows her line of sight. He rolls his eyes again and replies, "Says the girl paying more attention to the nerd in the corner than her own brother." Justin glares at him, which seems to remove the boy's interest, and he adds, "Totally not your type. You could do better."

"I'm not..." Rebecca sighs and turns her attention back to Justin. She swirls the content of her cup and continues, "So, moving out...how did Nora handle that conversation?"

"I haven't gotten that far with this plan. I figure it would be better to have a job lined up and a roommate," he replies, taking another bite of his donut.

"Probably a good idea..." Rebecca says. When she notices the way Justin is staring at her, she points to herself and adds, "I know you're not talking about me."

"Jeez, Becca, don't sound so excited at the prospect."

Rebecca shakes her head. Surely, she has water in her ears and misheard him. Surely, her brother isn't trying to add to their weirdness with a complicated living arrangement. She says, "You can't be serious, Justin."

"Why not? You're my sister. We've lived together already..."

"...And it didn't work out that well."

"Yes, it did. Until I started using again, everything was great."

"Not really," Rebecca says. It's not a conversation she wants to have with Justin. She can't really explain it without sounding like an idiot and warped and...what has this family done to her confidence? She runs a hand over her face and continues, "I've turned into this person that I don't really like a whole lot, Justin."

"What?"

"What you said at your intervention thing--"

"--I told you that I didn't mean it. I was high and pissed off and I took it out on you. I'm so sorry about that."

She waves him off and says, "I know you're sorry and I appreciate it, but that doesn't make it any less true. I've spent months turning myself inside out..." She can see that Justin is about to interrupt and she talks louder, "...all my own doing. No one asked me to do it. I just thought...I wanted to fit in so badly, to feel like a part of the family."

"Rebecca, you _are_ a part of the family. You're my little sister."

She bites her lip to keep from saying something stupid. There are so many thoughts running through her head and she doesn't want to push Justin away. She really doesn't, but there doesn't appear to be a better solution. She stands up and says, "I have to go. I need to get to registration."

"Registration?"

"I decided it was time that I tried my hand at college again. I gotta go, Justin."

"Rebecca," Justin replies. He stands up and grabs her arm.

She looks down at his hand and pulls back like she's been burned. Justin looks hurt by her reaction and it's more than she can handle. She shakes her head and says, "I'll talk to you later."

She practically runs out of the coffee shop and doesn't stop until she's sitting in her car. She groans and rests her head against the steering wheel. She wants to go back to last year, to when she found out the truth and do things differently. She wants all these lines not to blur so much because she's way too attached to Justin and it's not normal.

* * *

When Rebecca appears in the kitchen the next morning, her mother is sitting at the table, studying her every move. She sips her coffee and asks, "Are you okay, sweetheart?"

Rebecca shrugs as she pours herself a cup of coffee and leans against the counter. She says, "Justin asked me to move in with him yesterday."

"Oh, I see."

Rebecca recognizes the tone in her mother's voice and resists the urge to roll her eyes. She says, "Don't worry, mom. I'm not going to do it."

"Good." Off the look on Rebecca's face, Holly explains, "I think that you need some time to focus on yourself, honey. I'm glad you're registering for classes again, and I don't want to see you get pulled back into Justin's problems."

"I don't plan to. He's Lena's problem now," she says. She can't help but notice the bitterness in her voice. God, she is so messed up.

If her mother notices, she doesn't say anything. Instead, her mother stands, moves over to her, and gives her a quick squeeze. She says, "Give yourself some time. Focus on Becca Harper for awhile."

She smiles and says, "That's the plan. Maybe meet a cute boy or two."

Her mother laughs, chucks Rebecca's chin, and says, "That's my girl."

Rebecca watches her mother head to her room as she swallows down her coffee. She wants to run to her mother and let her mom remind her of who Rebecca Harper is. She seems to have forgotten over the past six months.

* * *

Rebecca isn't prepared to find him waiting for her. He's leaning against her car with a serious expression etched onto his face and she can't help the momentary worry that courses through her.

She takes a deep breath, digs her keys out of her bag, and gives indifference a try. She offers a meek "Hi" and is pretty sure she fools absolutely no one with this not caring thing.

"Are you pissed at me about something?"

Rebecca stops mid-step and stares at Justin. She says, "What? No."

"Is it about all those horrible things I said to you that day? Or does it make you uncomfortable that I'm dating Lena? Because I'll stop. Just tell me what's wrong. I want to make things right between us, Becca," Justin says.

She sighs and drops her bag on the hood of the car. She says, "It's not...either...of those things."

Justin scowls. "Try to be a little more convincing next time." Justin moves to stand in front of her and she can't escape. She's stuck between Justin and the car, and her heart's practically thumping out of her chest. "I'm sorry, Rebecca. I'm so incredibly sorry for everything I said. And for not taking your feelings into consideration. And basically being a huge jackass to the one person aside from my mom who has been there every step of the way for me."

"Justin..."

He holds up a hand and says, "Let me finish, okay? Part of the making amends thing..."

"But..."

"I've taken you for granted and haven't been much of a brother to you. You deserve better. You deserve to know how much you matter to me. Because you do, ya know? A lot," Justin pauses. He moves away until he's standing next to her. She could bolt, pretend she forgot something back in the store, but she can't feel her legs. And she's not really sure she wants to go anywhere. He groans into his hands and says, "I've made a huge mess of things and scared you away."

"No, it's not like that."

"Then what's it like? You've been avoiding me for days."

"I've been busy."

"Rebecca, please be honest with me."

"You don't think our relationship is odd?" she says. Her face flushes - she didn't plan to say that out loud for god's sake - and she wishes she could fade into oblivion. It would be much easier than dealing with the confused look on Justin's face.

"What?"

"You and me. We're not...it's just...weird sometimes," Rebecca says. She forces herself to meet his gaze. She's come this far in humiliating herself, she figures she might as well go the whole way. She continues, "Like why did I tell you about Lena and Tommy? It's like I wanted you to break up with her."

"You told me because you're my sister and you care about me."

"Lena said I was acting like a jealous girlfriend, and I don't know, maybe I was. It's all messed up. This whole insta-family thing hit me hard and I think I latched onto you and I'm not sure it was healthy for either of us."

"This is about Lena?"

She groans. "You're not listening to me, Justin."

"I'm trying. I'm confused."

"Me too. It's why I've been avoiding you."

Justin nudges her in the side and says, "I've never been the big brother before, and I'm probably messing it up, but I know that we need to deal with this, Rebecca."

"I know you're right, but..."

"It's weird for me, too, sometimes."

"It is?"

"I see how guys look at you."

Her cheeks feel hot. She manages, "Justin..."

"I see it and it bugs the hell out of me sometimes and...I get it, okay?"

"Yeah," Rebecca says. She's as confused as ever, but she feels less like a freak and more like it could work out in the end. She asks, "What do we do now?"

Justin shrugs. "I think being roommates is definitely out. And I'm gonna break up with Lena."

"Justin, don't--"

"It bothers you."

"But it shouldn't."

He shrugs again. "I don't know about that. It's a pretty messed up situation and I should be focused on my sobriety anyway."

"I'm really sorry for telling you the way I did."

"I don't blame you, Becca. It was better I found out early on," Justin states. He glances at her and asks, "What do you need me to do?"

"You don't have to do anything, Justin."

"Becca..."

"I need to reclaim some of my independence. Create some space between us and put myself first for awhile."

Justin sighs, but says, "That's cool."

"We can still hang out. You're my brother and my friend. I don't want to lose you."

"Me either," Justin replies with a smile. He takes her hand and squeezes it. He says, "We'll figure it out. I promise."

She smiles, brighter this time. There is no easy solution to this mess. She doesn't look into Justin's eyes and find it all makes sense. Her life has never worked out like that. Instead, it's something much simpler. It's a hug from her brother, a joint laugh at the craziness that is their relationship, and the certainty that she's not alone.

And that's the part of being the old Rebecca Harper she doesn't miss. Instead, she pities that lonely girl without anyone to count on.

_fin_


End file.
